Kind of a peculiar title, I know. But this blog is dedicated to the one person who searched “white nerd kid” in a search engine and ended up clicking on to my blog. My shout out goes to you! I even titled this post in honor of you!
Now, was this person searching for something in particular and decided to ditch it for a second? Or were they actually looking for me?
Am I a Nerd? Maybe.
A Kid? Well, I do get mistaken to be anywhere between 12-18 years old.
But WHITE? Hahaha.
Regardless, I find it just plain amusing. 🙂
But… Don’t get mad. My post today has nothing to do with a white nerd kid. Sorry.
If I had not titled this post what I did,
I would have called it HELP ME, GOD KDOIJoSIjfosijsdfjsdfaoillnv.
Haha, just kidding. Kind of.
This summer has been quite the journey. It has been awesome, revealing, vulnerable, a fight, full of thoughts and revelation, but most of all, a summer that has caused my heart to be stirred and set on fire again. I guess this is where my real post starts.
I wasn’t planning on doing this, but the only way I can even try to express everything I want to and not have this blog turn into a novel will have to be if I write in parts… making this like a blog series.
So this will be PART ONE: Intro and Recap… (Dang, I wish I had a title that was more clever and witty…)
I found myself totally caught off guard. September snuck up on me, and to my disbelief, summer was here and now it’s gone. The weather is cooling down quickly, the trees are starting to shed their luscious summer greens, and I am finding myself thoughtful. Whenever I want to grab a book, or my laptop, and sit by a window just to stare and jot down ramblings and strings of thoughts, while smelling sudden wafts of pumpkin spice lattes and chai tea everywhere I go, I know fall has come. And because this year, it has felt like a slap in the face with the sudden shock of cold air, I have already started reflecting on my summer… but more with kind of a longing, as if it were some precious love I’m not quite ready to let go of because I don’t want our time together to become a memory quite yet.
Hmm. I have a reason for that.
There’s this thing called “Summer Love”. Supposedly everybody has one at some point. It’s the cute, little, puppy love type relationships that form because school’s out, the weather is warm, sunsets are pretty, and boys and girls are everywhere just ready for some fun. It’s passionate, and heartfelt, never wanting it to end, but once Fall comes it dissipates as quickly as it formed.
Well, I had a Summer Love… except this is relationship is one that has been pursuing me and growing since the day I was born, and will never fade out, but only burn brighter. He is the reason why I hold this summer so dear. He has been there every summer before this one, but He only seems to get sweeter and sweeter. Cheezy? Maybe. I like cheese. I heard if I stop eating it my sinus problems would diminish significantly… But to stop eating cheese…?! That would be no more CHEESEburgers or PIZZA!! And one cannot live without such necessities in life!
My summer wasn’t all about flowers and candy, kisses, sneaking out at night, holding hands, giggles, and gifts. It wasn’t happy-go-lucky, everything-is-going-my-way kind of time either. It was both wonderful and grueling; anxious and ecstatic; overwhelming and loving; joyful and deep; thoughtful and healing; stirring, hopeful, desperate, and so much more. It has been full of moments of facing the truth, facing your fears, facing everything good, bad, and ugly… all for Love.
Here’s a recap:
With the start of summer, I started off feeling free and alive. I found peace. It included an adventurous getaway for a week in the U.P. full of camping, hiking, and a day visit to Mackinaw Island. Really good times. Nature, water, breeze, fresh air, people you didn’t know, my books, and my journal. But I came back and I started discovering the little things that gave me joy in life. It brought life to my spirit again. I started listening to music just because I enjoyed it. I found myself drooling over my laptop as I discovered new music, new sounds, new artists, new creative expressions for HOURS. I played guitar. I made up stupid songs. I made videos. I enjoyed being outside. I noticed the sunshine, the wind, every smile, every person, every color, every breath, every movement… and appreciated it. I rode my bike around the city just for fun. I went for walks. I talked with people and laughed. I wanted to make people laugh. Seeing someone smile was so rewarding. No agenda, no pressure, no worry. I was like a little child who had a whole world to discover. I didn’t have any concern. Not a single thing. Not about the past, present, or future. I was enjoying myself. As me. In the moment. I found joy and value in each moment. I felt God’s delight in me. I didn’t feel like I was in a hurry. I wasn’t analyzing every little thing I did or overwhelmed with thoughts. And I loved it. I felt God smiling down on me. I was learning how to be me again. There was something I discovered in these moments that I haven’t experienced before, or at least it’s a new level of it. It was the feeling of complete freedom and joy, confidence in Him, and not myself, and seeing the world with new eyes, and feeling myself come alive. (I have more thoughts on this, I will expound later.) BUT on top of all this, I was blessed by a gift. My kitty Oliver!
After a while, I started feeling like maybe I should be done “playing around” and figure out what I’m doing with my life. I started to become anxious. When before I felt like I was unshakeable and so confident in who God was and His love for me, I became totally polar opposite. I started analyzing the past, feeling heavy, all of a sudden full of regret and doubt. I beat myself up over things that I had no control over. I felt guilty for feeling happy and carefree. I felt guilty for being so confident that I didn’t have anything to worry about and that things would all work out fine for me as long as I did things I enjoyed and followed my heart. But at the same time I felt I had lost my passion. I forgot who I was. Everything that defined me and I leaned on disappeared. I started becoming afraid that maybe I missed something or have missed it a long time ago. I felt pressure to hurry up and figure things out because time was running out. I had bills to pay and loans to pay back and everything started becoming overwhelming. It wasn’t just about the present moment anymore, it was about the future. Nothing seemed to line up in my mind. I lost hope. I regretted having done certain things and not having done things. I felt depressed at my life. Felt like a failure. Felt like I’ve done nothing and was nobody. And that I wasn’t really on the track to anywhere. I felt lost, confused, alone. I panicked and was full of anxiety about my future and unsure of how to process the past. I had so many questions. So many thoughts and ideas… and frustrations, too. At the core of it, I just wanted answers. I wanted to know why. I wanted to know how, and when, and every little detail about the past and present and how it all makes sense for my future. Without it I would not rest. I could not. Without it, I felt I had no reason to do anything more in life.
Although I went into the summer knowing that what I was going to be doing was some major resting and allowing myself to be refreshed, I still became very anxious after a while. It was full of extended times of rest and being alone. Some on purpose and intentional… Some not. But I believe God orchestrated it that way so that I’d meet with Him. I went through periods of seeking God, and then not, and then seeking again. But mostly it was more of a responding rather than seeking. I would feel my heart move and hunger for His presence. And I would respond. I did my best to respond whenever I felt that inside of me. Even if my times of being with Him meant I just there with worship music playing, I did that. I prayed. There was a lot of arguing with myself and wrestling with my own thoughts, and then trying to get myself to shut up, but I would pray the best I could and attempt to listen for Him. There were times where I was greatly moved by His presence, other times, not so much. Overall, I felt it was tedious, uncomfortable, mundane, and a waste of time. Why? In my eyes it wasn’t getting me anywhere because more than anything, I expected an answer. But no answer. At least like I wanted it.
As September neared, I started seeing the results of my small, pathetic prayers. I say that, but I don’t even know if it were my prayers that got me anywhere. Although the reason why I even wanted to pray initially was because I wanted answers and was scared, it started to change. All that I know is that deep down in my heart of hearts, I longed for God. And regardless of my motives, He came. Honestly, it didn’t even look like I loved God for some time… not to myself at least. I didn’t know how, or what, or if I was even doing anything right, but I longed for Him. And it wasn’t some huge one moment encounter I had, but more of a culmination of a gajillion things. Very small things. I don’t even know what they all were, but it was all the little ways that He was reaching out to me that had piled up and was finally overflowing over the brim and spilling over. It caused my heart and eyes to be opened again to fall more in love with My Creator, My Love, My True Unchanging Passion.
This was an intro/recap. I hope to continue to blog over the next few days about certain things I’ve learned and to share my journey. Obviously by “Summer Love” I am speaking of an eternal one. The love and heart of an unconditional, jealous, pursuer who won’t settle for anything less than all of my heart. The love of a King, a Lover, a Friend, and so much more.
This is where I end for today, but check back for more juicy details of my summer love affair! Until then here are some pics from my summer adventure. 🙂