Tag Archives: ramblings

Christmas Time Ramblings by a Lovesick Dreamer

Currently sitting at home, sweats and slippers on, Christmas music playing, type typity.

I think I’m done with my summer blog series… for now. Haha. I don’t think I officially ended it or anything, but I think it ended on a good enough note. I did have a few more things I wanted to talk about, but I think it would have turned into more of a sermon blog. I’m in the mood to blog and I’m not in the mood to get all serious and preachy.

SO … I’m just gonna ramble. Because I want to. I have no plan. What comes out, is going to come out. Here it goes.


And I think it is sooo appropriate to blog this on the first day of December. I’m so cool.

There’s something about winter that makes me grow warmer on the inside. I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about. Especially when the snow comes, everything is just so white, blanketed, and beautiful. You just wanna snuggle and sit by the fire, drink hot chocolate, and listen to good music, or read a good book. It’s the perfect time. Lights everywhere. Happy music everywhere… even if some are just plain ridiculous they bring smiles. There’s joy and love in the air. I look at my family and friends a little differently… I feel warm and fuzzy, I appreciate them, I wanna just love on ‘em and I want to show them how thankful I am. I remember how blessed I am… because it’s not necessarily a lovely, warm season for everybody.

Unfortunately, there is only one downside to winter and the Christmas season. It’s that it makes me 20 times more of a goner in my hopeless romanticitis. Haha. (I just made that up… I made it sound like a disease! Didja get it?!) So yup. I admit it. I am a hopeless romantic sometimes. And since winter to me is such a romantic time of year, I just ooze… and I don’t think it’s just me. Recently, every conversation has been about finding someone and being in a relationship, both with friends and family. I don’t know if this is something that has happened every year, but I am definitely noticing it this year. Not that there is much I can do about it.

Haha… but I’m just kidding. Not about being a hopeless romantic this time of year, but about it being unfortunate. While I do become all googly-eyed, I don’t feel like a loser. I’m happy. And I am SO thankful. Deep, deep, thankfulness has just welled up in my heart this week. I am so thankful for my life. Thank for my friends. Thankful that my roommate is my friend. Thankful for my family. Thankful that I get to work a job that is about helping the less fortunate. Thankful that I get to bring smiles to people who have every reason to be angry and upset and have no hope. Thankful that my health is well and my heart that is full. Thankful that I can do what I love without limit, even if it’s just in my room for now. It’s pure and raw. Thankful that I have the luxury to dream… Dream about my future, my life. That it’s not just about how I’ll survive tomorrow or if I’ll eat. Thankful that I can feel really good about dreaming of sharing my heart and life with someone whom I will love and share my life with because I’ve been fighting to keep what the world so easily sees as worthless and throws away. I have good dreams, and much goodness to look forward to. So I am not worried.

This is a good time for a transition.

I’m not gonna lie, I have been worrisome…. About my future, my destiny, my dreams. My dreams have felt so HUGE to me the past couple months. SO HUGE. Like. IMPOSSIBLE. I’ve felt that way before, but lately, I’m like… absolutely at a loss. Haha. In reality they’ve always been impossible. But they just seem even bigger to me now because I am realizing I have have NO control and strength, talent, knowledge, resources, to make ANYTHING happen whatsoever. And sometimes I don’t even know exactly what it is I want. I think I know and I think I’m ready for whatever I picture, but then I feel in my heart, I don’t even know what it is I’m asking for. I just think I know. We are so limited. We don’t even know fully what we’re capable of. We think our biggest dreams are going to be our greatest achievement. And THAT in our eyes is HUGE and like the greatest thing ever. We don’t know fully who we are, what we’re capable of, what we’re REALLY destined for. I think God gives us dreams that kind of urge us on and point us in the right direction, but we have NO idea really what He has in store for us. I think that’s why it says in the Bible that He exceeds and goes above and beyond all we ask or imagine. There is so much more for us than what we are even able to dream up. And it’s ALL impossible.

It’s been nice to be reminded that it’s a journey. If you don’t embrace and enjoy the journey, you’re missing out on the beauty of your life in the moment! God has a lot for the future, but He has lot for us now, too. He exceeds everything we could ever dream for ourselves and it’ll be awesome, but that also means the way and the road that gets us there will be just as unexpected and full of adventure that we won’t always be able to make sense of.

Trust. Yup. Love. Yup.

We gotto remember that He loves us. That He is good. And trust that He has a plan for us. A good plan. That even today is a part of that plan. Even if it doesn’t seem good to you.

We just give ourselves waaaaayyyyy too much credit for our lives. We are just not that awesome.

So yeah. Even though I dream and it seems impossible, it isn’t mine so I don’t worry. I trust God is doing His thing. And all I have to do is remain faithful. I do still try to figure things out though, and I need direction, but I know He will guide me and speak when it’s time.

We are always asking for more faith, love, peace, patience, etc… but I am convinced that if we really knew the process of working that into us, we wouldn’t pray for it. Thank God for His grace.

Well, I don’t know if there’s anything more I want to say… Just for the future, I think I want to post more frequently with just random thoughts and expressions, more casual and raw, in the moment type of blogs.

To wrap it up:

  • Chocolate chip cookies sound really good right now.
  • I love it when Oliver wakes up from a nap and wants to sit in my lap while I’m on my laptop. He is so clumsy. He usually ends up either crashing into my desk, or slipping off of it and onto the floor. Yup. That happened like a second ago.
  • A dream was re-awakened tonight: Learning how to be a musher and be a dog-sledder. And living in a warm, cozy cabin for a little while. Alaska it is.
  • I had a sudden urge to jump off a plane today over the ocean with islands in view. No, I’m not insane. I just wanna skydive!! I’ve always wanted to. Just today, I would have done it like 5 times.
  • I REALLY need some shoes. Some new shoes and boots. Please. Somebody. A gift card to a Vans store would suffice!! And maybe one to Target? 😛
  • I feel like I could write a song to anything right now. I hear melodies and words in my head very frequently. They aren’t necessarily all good, but there’s definitely something happening to me. That’s encouraging. I’m not even sure if I even did anything to make it happen. It just started one day. It just showed me that even creating an art isn’t really  something we do on our own… or because we’re awesome.

So speaking of songs. I put up some originals on YouTube. CLICKITY CLICK.

Happy Christmas Tiiime!

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“White Nerd Kid” and My Summer Love – Part 1

Kind of a peculiar title, I know. But this blog is dedicated to the one person who searched “white nerd kid” in a search engine and ended up clicking on to my blog. My shout out goes to you! I even titled this post in honor of you!

Now, was this person searching for something in particular and decided to ditch it for a second? Or were they actually looking for me?

Am I a Nerd? Maybe.
A Kid? Well, I do get mistaken to be anywhere between 12-18 years old.
But WHITE? Hahaha.

Regardless, I find it just plain amusing. 🙂

But… Don’t get mad. My post today has nothing to do with a white nerd kid. Sorry.

If I had not titled this post what I did,
I would have called it HELP ME, GOD KDOIJoSIjfosijsdfjsdfaoillnv.

Haha, just kidding. Kind of.

This summer has been quite the journey. It has been awesome, revealing, vulnerable, a fight, full of thoughts and revelation, but most of all, a summer that has caused my heart to be stirred and set on fire again. I guess this is where my real post starts.

I wasn’t planning on doing this, but the only way I can even try to express everything I want to and not have this blog turn into a novel will have to be if I write in parts… making this like a blog series. 

So this will be PART ONE: Intro and Recap… (Dang, I wish I had a title that was more clever and witty…)

I found myself totally caught off guard. September snuck up on me, and to my disbelief, summer was here and now it’s gone. The weather is cooling down quickly, the trees are starting to shed their luscious summer greens, and I am finding myself thoughtful. Whenever I want to grab a book, or my laptop, and sit by a window just to stare and jot down ramblings and strings of thoughts, while smelling sudden wafts of pumpkin spice lattes and chai tea everywhere I go, I know fall has come. And because this year, it has felt like a slap in the face with the sudden shock of cold air, I have already started reflecting on my summer… but more with kind of a longing, as if it were some precious love I’m not quite ready to let go of because I don’t want our time together to become a memory quite yet.

Hmm. I have a reason for that.

There’s this thing called “Summer Love”. Supposedly everybody has one at some point. It’s the cute, little, puppy love type relationships that form because school’s out, the weather is warm, sunsets are pretty, and boys and girls are everywhere just ready for some fun. It’s passionate, and heartfelt, never wanting it to end, but once Fall comes it dissipates as quickly as it formed.

Well, I had a Summer Love… except this is relationship is one that has been pursuing me and growing since the day I was born, and will never fade out, but only burn brighter. He is the reason why I hold this summer so dear. He has been there every summer before this one, but He only seems to get sweeter and sweeter. Cheezy? Maybe. I like cheese. I heard if I stop eating it my sinus problems would diminish significantly… But to stop eating cheese…?! That would be no more CHEESEburgers or PIZZA!! And one cannot live without such necessities in life!

My summer wasn’t all about flowers and candy, kisses, sneaking out at night, holding hands, giggles, and gifts. It wasn’t happy-go-lucky, everything-is-going-my-way kind of time either. It was both wonderful and grueling; anxious and ecstatic; overwhelming and loving; joyful and deep; thoughtful and healing; stirring, hopeful, desperate, and so much more. It has been full of moments of facing the truth, facing your fears, facing everything good, bad, and ugly… all for Love.

Here’s a recap:

With the start of summer, I started off feeling free and alive. I found peace. It included an adventurous getaway for a week in the U.P. full of camping, hiking, and a day visit to Mackinaw Island. Really good times. Nature, water, breeze, fresh air, people you didn’t know, my books, and my journal. But I came back and I started discovering the little things that gave me joy in life. It brought life to my spirit again. I started listening to music just because I enjoyed it. I found myself drooling over my laptop as I discovered new music, new sounds, new artists, new creative expressions for HOURS. I played guitar. I made up stupid songs. I made videos. I enjoyed being outside. I noticed the sunshine, the wind, every smile, every person, every color, every breath, every movement… and appreciated it. I rode my bike around the city just for fun. I went for walks. I talked with people and laughed. I wanted to make people laugh. Seeing someone smile was so rewarding. No agenda, no pressure, no worry. I was like a little child who had a whole world to discover. I didn’t have any concern. Not a single thing. Not about the past, present, or future. I was enjoying myself. As me. In the moment. I found joy and value in each moment. I felt God’s delight in me. I didn’t feel like I was in a hurry. I wasn’t analyzing every little thing I did or overwhelmed with thoughts. And I loved it. I felt God smiling down on me. I was learning how to be me again. There was something I discovered in these moments that I haven’t experienced before, or at least it’s a new level of it. It was the feeling of complete freedom and joy, confidence in Him, and not myself, and seeing the world with new eyes, and feeling myself come alive. (I have more thoughts on this, I will expound later.) BUT on top of all this, I was blessed by a gift. My kitty Oliver!

After a while, I started feeling like maybe I should be done “playing around” and figure out what I’m doing with my life. I started to become anxious. When before I felt like I was unshakeable and so confident in who God was and His love for me, I became totally polar opposite. I started analyzing the past, feeling heavy, all of a sudden full of regret and doubt. I beat myself up over things that I had no control over. I felt guilty for feeling happy and carefree. I felt guilty for being so confident that I didn’t have anything to worry about and that things would all work out fine for me as long as I did things I enjoyed and followed my heart. But at the same time I felt I had lost my passion. I forgot who I was. Everything that defined me and I leaned on disappeared. I started becoming afraid that maybe I missed something or have missed it a long time ago. I felt pressure to hurry up and figure things out because time was running out. I had bills to pay and loans to pay back and everything started becoming overwhelming. It wasn’t just about the present moment anymore, it was about the future. Nothing seemed to line up in my mind. I lost hope. I regretted having done certain things and not having done things. I felt depressed at my life. Felt like a failure. Felt like I’ve done nothing and was nobody. And that I wasn’t really on the track to anywhere. I felt lost, confused, alone. I panicked and was full of anxiety about my future and unsure of how to process the past. I had so many questions. So many thoughts and ideas… and frustrations, too. At the core of it, I just wanted answers. I wanted to know why. I wanted to know how, and when, and every little detail about the past and present and how it all makes sense for my future. Without it I would not rest. I could not. Without it, I felt I had no reason to do anything more in life.

Although I went into the summer knowing that what I was going to be doing was some major  resting and allowing myself to be refreshed, I still became very anxious after a while. It was full of extended times of rest and being alone. Some on purpose and intentional… Some not. But I believe God orchestrated it that way so that I’d meet with Him. I went through periods of seeking God, and then not, and then seeking again. But mostly it was more of a responding rather than seeking. I would feel my heart move and hunger for His presence. And I would respond. I did my best to respond whenever I felt that inside of me. Even if my times of being with Him meant I just there with worship music playing, I did that. I prayed. There was a lot of arguing with myself and wrestling with my own thoughts, and then trying to get myself to shut up, but I would pray the best I could and attempt to listen for Him. There were times where I was greatly moved by His presence, other times, not so much. Overall, I felt it was tedious, uncomfortable, mundane, and a waste of time. Why? In my eyes it wasn’t getting me anywhere because more than anything, I expected an answer. But no answer. At least like I wanted it.

As September neared, I started seeing the results of my small, pathetic prayers. I say that, but I don’t even know if it were my prayers that got me anywhere. Although the reason why I even wanted to pray initially was because I wanted answers and was scared, it started to change. All that I know is that deep down in my heart of hearts, I longed for God. And regardless of my motives, He came. Honestly, it didn’t even look like I loved God for some time… not to myself at least. I didn’t know how, or what, or if I was even doing anything right, but I longed for Him. And it wasn’t some huge one moment encounter I had, but more of a culmination of a gajillion things. Very small things. I don’t even know what they all were, but it was all the little ways that He was reaching out to me that had piled up and was finally overflowing over the brim and spilling over. It caused my heart and eyes to be opened again to fall more in love with My Creator, My Love, My True Unchanging Passion.

This was an intro/recap. I hope to continue to blog over the next few days about certain things I’ve learned and to share my journey. Obviously by “Summer Love” I am speaking of an eternal one. The love and heart of an unconditional, jealous, pursuer who won’t settle for anything less than all of my heart. The love of a King, a Lover, a Friend, and so much more.

This is where I end for today, but check back for more juicy details of my summer love affair! Until then here are some pics from my summer adventure. 🙂

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