Why, hello wordpress blog!
Hello, my non-readers because I actually haven’t written any blogs!!
So yes, this is me randomly blogging because I don’t have much else to do right now. It’s like a magic trick of sorts. One minute I’m here, and then I’m not, and then *POOF* I’m here again! Yay… *applause*
So, I actually didn’t have a topic to write about when I decided to do this. It was kind of a spontaneous thing as I was surfing the internet and I remembered, “Hey! I have a wordpress account don’t I?!” Yup. That’s how it went down. Exciting, I know.
That’s why I am here. So hi.
… Umm … Awkward pause… aaaand …
(chirping crickets and croaking frogs in the background)
… pause continues … *ahem* …
OKAY! So really, I didn’t actually have anything to write about. But I think I will end up with some kind of topic by the end ‘cuz I’m awesome like that… (not really).
Alroighty then! (That was supposed to be an Aussie accent. I envy people with australian accents. I think it’s one of the coolest accents EVER to exist. I would give it a triple gold medal if there was a competition for “coolest accent ever to exist” and I was a judge.)
What made me come back to blogging? Well, I’ve had lots of free time to sit, ponder, pick my nose, attempt to write songs, stare at the wall, and anything else I could think of doing…
… and I’ve realized that as I’ve been in a time of rediscovering all the things I love doing and dream of doing, I put waaaaaay too much pressure on myself to make it awesome, and perfect, and try to meet this invisible standard that isn’t really based off of anything but comparing myself to what’s already out there and always feeling inadequate. I’m always not creative enough, not smart enough, not original enough, not cool enough in my eyes… you know how it goes. But you know what? All I can do is just be me.
AH HA! So profound I know! But whether you’d like to believe it or not, we all do this thing where we try to be someone we’re not. And I don’t mean like the obviously-being-fake ordeal, but the without-even-meaning-to-because-we-want-to-be-good-people-and-feel-like-we-really-do-awesome-stuff-that-people-really-like ordeal. I feel like it happens a lot in the world of artsy fartsy creative people… it’s part of a desire to produce awesome works of art whatever the medium. But a lot of the time that goes hand in hand with how we see God, too. Or how we think God sees us… and how we see ourselves. There’s a standard that we either place on ourselves or a standard that we have come to believe that God wants us to meet in order for Him to be happy with us. And then we hear that God loves us exactly how we are, but then deep inside, we’re like, “Yes, maybe so, but I’M not okay with me as I am, so neither should God.” So in all actuality it just kind of comes down to not really believing that God is okay with us as we are.
I think I could go into a sermon-like rant about this whole thing, but tonight I’m just going to save you the agony of reading through it and just continue on in my wonderful spontaneous post.
As I was saying, I’ve just set up this thing in my own head about the kind of person I want to be, dreaming, and pondering, and wishing, thinking about the kind of music I want to make, or what I could write about and make it ridiculously OFF DA HOOK, that I actually don’t ever get started. At times, I get too self conscious, other times it just drains me because I’m thinking too much about it, and then when I try to do something I’m working under this invisible slab of cement over my head that I’m like, “Wow, that’s a piece of crap.” And it really is a piece of crap because my hands are stiff and my heart’s not free, so I might as well be playing my guitar with my feet and singing through my butt. Not a pretty picture. I have too many ridiculous expectations for myself, but it’s really what I’ve formulated based off of what I think other people expect of me… So it’s what I think other people think, when what they think isn’t really what they are thinking at all, and so what I think what they think isn’t something I should be thinking about. And no amount of talking myself up, or trying not to focus on the pressure, or receiving endless amounts of encouragement and applause from family and friends will help. At some point, you just have to reach a mentality within yourself to let go of the past and the worries of the future and just be in the present moment. Finding happiness and fulfillment in the present moment is probably one of the most difficult things to do. This is a quote I heard this summer, “If you have one foot on yesterday and one foot on tomorrow, you’ll piss on today.” Haha. (Sorry if it’s a little vulgar for some of you. And for saying “piss”.) But you get the idea right? I thought it was genius when I heard it.
Anyway, all of this brings me to today, sitting in front of my computer, typing away for this very blog. This is my attempt at just doing what I want to in the moment, expressing what I want to, no rules, no boundaries, no expectations this time. And it has become successful. This itself has been a very freeing and refreshing experience.
Will I blog again? Who knows? Will I write an awesome song? Maybe. Will I go cuddle with my kittiessss and watch Korean Dramas in bed? You betcha. V^_^V (This is an asian holding up two peace signs for those of you who aren’t sure what to make of it…)
So if you’ve continued reading thus far, thank you very much for allowing me to yoink some of your time in my efforts to try and find some freedom of expression within myself. This blog was supposed to be about my journey. My journey. Journey of Vicki Hong. And I guess I somehow believed that I couldn’t do anything until I’ve “arrived” in order to impact people, or even express myself well and write something worthwhile. But I know now, more than ever, that today is as good as any other.
Here’s to living full and happy in every moment, even if it’s not how I pictured it to be.
For the future, I am wanting to try and blog more. But there are no guarantees. I might try all sorts of stuff just because. Maybe I’ll do a video blog next time… but like I said, who know?!