Tag Archives: life

River Sound

Sometimes.
The sound of the river.
Is all you need.
For some serenity.
The simplicity.
Cool air.
Vacant stare.
Cool breath.
Summer’s death.
But hope is still beneath.
All that we can see.
So much reality.
Hidden from plain sight.
The moon and the coming night.
Questions swirling.
Thoughts twirling.
The unknown.
No control.
Let it go.
Moral compass.
On patrol.
Wanting.
Waiting.
Calming.
Walking.
And then there’s life.
All things dissipate.
Evaporate.
Concentrate.
Reaction.
Only the moment.
Stand still.
Be still.
Not alone.
I’m never alone.
You’re never alone.
Today.
Tomorrow.
Forever.

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Looky Looky! Read Your Booky!

‘Ello!

I haven’t written anything in a while, so I feel like there’s a lot buzzin’ inside ready to be spilled out onto this awesome medium of self expression. Haha.

For the past few months I’ve been diving deep into the Bible and I’ve been discovering some awesome things. It’s been rocking my world. After deciding to step down from leading worship for a while, I’ve been able to really buckle down and wrestle with/ask deep questions about my Christian life and all that I’ve known, seen, and experienced. I went out to Bethel Redding in Cali, felt even more of something stirring inside of me, came back, and during Christmas time I gained a revelation from the Christmas story in Luke 2 that led me to study even further into the truths in the Bible. It wasn’t anything that I forced or tried to seek out. Honestly, I didn’t even know how to help myself. It was very spontaneous and exciting. God showed me… and the more I read and looked the more revelation I gained and I couldn’t stop. It’s been quite a journey since then. I’ll go more into detail soon.

What amazes me is that I’ve come all this way… I’m 25 years old, turning 26 in 3 months, been a Christian for most of my life, and I am NOW just finally seeing things that I should have been taught at the beginning. I wonder how many Christians actually know what they believe, why they believe it, why they do what they do, etc. I am seeing more than ever how important it is to have good theology. Did you know everyone is a theologian? Everyone.

No, we might not be all like scholarly and super smart, having multiple P.H.D.s and using big words, sitting with bifocals,and digging into essays and commentaries and all the like, but everyone believes something about God. And we don’t have to be like what I described to have good theology and know the truth. Now, more than ever, I am seeing how important it really is to study! So many Christians go on believing whatever is given to them. Church tradition, experience, and the big shots who write books and devotions are what feeds the masses. We have the GREATEST privilege to have the Bible to look and read and discover what it says for ourselves!

I’m not discrediting history or experience or the big shots… we all can learn SO much from everything and everyone, but it seems we spend more time reading and listening to everything and everyone else, instead of getting into it and studying for ourselves. We have an ocean of free resources and tools! It’s amazing! I’ve been guilty of it, too. It’s not really the most horrible thing that we trust our church leaders, we trust people who have studied and written books, we trust church tradition, especially if it’s been around forever and respected by many, but what if there’s more? What if there’s more even beyond what you might have experienced? Couldn’t it be possible that what you’ve experienced or parts of it has been outside of the truth?

Haven’t you questioned some things? Haven’t you wondered what that passage in the Bible REALLY means? Haven’t you wondered if what has been taught is right? Haven’t you wondered why you do x and y and z and still feel like something is missing? Haven’t you wondered why you do what you do in Church and as a Christian? Haven’t you wondered why you don’t seem to do and be all that you see in the Bible? Haven’t you wondered where the joy and love is? What is the Gospel? And if it’s such good news then why have I hardly felt compelled to share it?

It’s amazing how we just take and swallow and agree because it makes sense to us, and everyone else seems to agree. And just because you can spout off a passage of Scripture to back up whatever was said, it doesn’t even mean anything. Some might feel it is disrespectful to question things that have been solid… or rather, seems solid. But I don’t. Life is short. I would like to live it fully, and know why I am doing what I’m doing and why I believe what I believe. Gone are the days where I just take what someone says, or take how a Bible passage has been interpreted without really looking at it myself for I am learning that good theology is important. It affects the whole of your life. It’s not just perspective or opinion or preference. There IS truth.

I don’t know everything and I’m not a pro at Bible study, but I think I’m smart enough to look and see and try and learn it. I think everyone should open themselves up to really dig deep into the Bible and look at it with fresh eyes, ready to learn something… possibly even outside of your current theological stance or church background. We study to learn the truth, not to gain points for being a good Christian. A good place to start is instead of reading out a devotional, do one yourself. Let’s be Christians who know what we believe and why we believe it, and not just because someone told us or because it’s church tradition. I’m not saying throw all of that out. I’m just sayin’ let’s learn to think for ourselves, too. And then let’s really praise God for who He REALLY is and live our lives as we were meant to live it – totally wacked out by His love.

Wackawackawacka.

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Loved in Sun Rays and Meows

Ollo! This is blog #3 of a very prolonged series. 😀

I know I haven’t written in a while, but I’m back for yet another round. I’m hoping not to make this one too long. It’s already November and I haven’t even finished my story about my summer. Haha… -_-V

I left off talking about stopping and being still, facing yourself, facing some hard things, and finally being able to find peace. And that the things that you face in your heart are the very places that God is speaking and present to reveal Himself… only to be even closer than you imagined possible.

Today, I think I just want to make it very to the point. I want to talk about a truth that was the major heart changer for me this summer. Something that just really hit me deeper. This is where my Summer Love touches REAL love and something of substance, something that can withstand time, weather, any circumstance of life, rather than it just being fleeting emotions, and brief infatuation.

It basically has to do with who God is. Here it is: 

Understanding that God loves me right where I am, as I am.

I think there are times in our lives when we get to a point where we examine what we’ve done, how much we’ve done, gain a sense of accomplishment, or lack thereof, gauge what it means to be in the present, and how to get to the future we desire. We think we have it all figured out. We think we can GET it all figured out. That’s where I was. That’s what I started doing. Reflecting isn’t always bad, but I was I starting to feel crappy about myself because I was measuring the worth of my present by looking at the past, and wondering how to get from here to where I felt I REALLY needed to be. And I only felt I needed to be there so that I could feel some sense of worth and accomplishment with all that has happened in my life. I felt it wasn’t very much. My dreams felt worthless. So I strived for a bit. Panicked. Got discouraged. Lost focus. Did things for the wrong reasons. Etc.

Very often we hear sermons, hear stories and testimonies… we see people doing spectacular things. We get encouraged to do something wonderful for God, to go after your dreams, to make a difference in the world. And while those are very good things, I needed a very different message. I needed to hear that God loved me regardless of whether or not I was doing anything awesome.

God loves you…

Eh.

You can hear that a thousand times and still have it mean not a single thing to you. And that’s what happened. I felt that way. I’ve heard it. Blah Blah.

But my heart cried out.

I didn’t want to hear it from someone else. I wanted to hear HIM say it to me.  “I love you, Vicki.”

Oh, how I need to hear that a millions times a day.

One day, as I was going through my usual day deep in my thoughts and feeling discouraged and worthless, my roommate and I decided to meet for lunch. As we were eating and conversing, I started to complain about some things and question things and expressed how I felt about my life and things that have happened and how I felt about my future. It was the talk of a hopeless person. After listening quite intently, and me feeling a little agitated, conversation died down and she pulled out her iPad. She had an app called procreate (a painting and sketching app) on it and she began to doodle. I watched a picture come to life. A real simple picture.

It turned out to be something like this. Real simple. But I wept.

I didn’t ball my eyes out in the middle of the restaurant or anything, but my tears came from a deep place. It was like a spring welling up out of a dry place because of rain. It was healing and soothing. The truth hit me. I didn’t realize that I had been striving and comparing myself to the lives of other people, or even to my own standards and expectations of where I felt I needed to be on my journey. Even if I did realize it at points, I didn’t know how to stop it. I had been feeling like a failure. And felt like I was continuing to fail because my attempts at doing something or figuring something out wasn’t getting me anywhere. But Leann gave me a simple visual representation of myself as I had been in recent days, and made me realize that there is nothing ugly or shameful about my life. Every moment of my life is beautiful because He gave it to me… including today.

Now that was huge! Radical! Mind-blowing!

We usually have a lot of feelings and thoughts about our past, but what I was wrestling with the now. I felt like I was wasting the present. I felt I needed to be doing something. Not sure what. Just doing something to get somewhere. I kinda felt as if I had missed the mark and was STILL missing it. Somehow in my mind, nothing but hitting the mark gave value to my life and actions. That’s called… performance. Which is not really a loving relationship.

So God was speaking to my heart, “I really love you, here… like this, too.”

Through a simple stick figure drawing He decided to point out what I considered to be the least significant and worthless thing that I was doing with my time and was telling me that He loved me there. A LOT. And what I was doing at the time was… relaxing at home and playing/snuggling with my cats. It meant a lot because I was REALLY enjoying the simple things in life. My cats. Music. The sun. Books. Smiles.

So I guess I will wrap it up now.

There’s an ebb and flow to everything we do in life. We need to learn to trust God in all times and seasons. One isn’t greater than the other, one isn’t more meaningful than the other, one doesn’t give more worth to your life and self than the other. He won’t love us more in one or the other. He never measures to the standard that the world measures, and He never measures to even OUR standard.

I decided a few things from that.

1. I will not change what I know about Him and who I’ve know Him to be, based on what my life looks like at the time.

2. I will not change my heart toward Him based on my fluctuating feelings about myself and shifting perspectives of my life.

3. I will not let any other voice tell me who I am and what I am to do or why I did or should do something.

He loves me. Endlessly. Limitlessly. It will never change.

I want to know this more. I want to live from that place more. So that whether I am hanging out with the homeless, worshipping on my face, eating a sandwich, or scooping out poop out of my cats’ litter box, I can be overtaken by His presence and love, knowing He doesn’t love me more or less than any other moment. Every moment of my life was worth it for Jesus to come and die for me. My value and worth comes from the fact that a great price was paid for me to have breath in my lungs and a fire in my heart, so that I may enter into His presence every moment of my life.

Oh what a glorious kind of love.

Today, He calls you LOVED.
Today, He gives you peace.
Today, He says your life is beautiful.

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The Woo into Stopping and Learning How to Take a Chill Pill

This is BLOG 2 of my series! (Haha I feel so official saying that…)

Alrighty then!

FYI – I don’t know exactly how many there will be. I’m estimating 4 total. So 3 more after this one… or something.

Before I begin I must say that I am so very intensely enjoying Josh Garrels album called Love & War & The Sea in Between. So full of truth and creative yumminess with fresh rhymes and melodies sung over cool beats and instruments. He has a way of expressing truth and spiritual things with a zing and uniqueness thats refreshing and makes my spirit jolt alive because it melted right deep into my soul. Awesome stuff. I think you can download it for free right now until the rest of the year. Go get it! Just do a Google search or something.

So, as I said in my previous blog, I’ve been reflecting on my summer and seeing that it has been a wonderful journey with the Lover of my soul. This is a continuation.

In the next couple of blogs I am hoping to express some things that I learned and things that He spoke to me about. It’s personal. So don’t laugh at me. Or poke fun. Or I’ll suck your blood.

Anyway, I think that’s enough blabber. Moving on.

So… Summer began and I thought to myself, “FINALLY! Sun! Birds! Air! I can just enjoy myself for a little bit and rest!”

As I said in my last post, I’ve had a lot of time that was spent in quiet and alone, with nothing pressing going on, no expectation to fulfill, no ministry trips to go on, no meetings to go to, no performing music or leading anything, no prayer groups, no conferences, etc. Just my usual job working at the Shelter, that is on most days, very secluded in my upstairs tower and quiet. There was a lot of space. Space around me. And come to find out, space inside me. A disconnect within me.

IN those quiet places and moments, I very much enjoyed my time and being alone. I enjoyed myself. I normally love my times alone, but this was different. I felt free to do and be and to pursue whatever thought and daydream I wanted. I didn’t have to ponder with a purpose or daydream with a mission. I was allowed to just ponder for the sake of pondering. I began to see my heart come back. Everything I enjoyed, loved, found value in, everything about me that made me, ME, I got to rediscover.

“Ahh, now this is the life. I so needed this. This is resting…” or so I thought.

[Segway (segue) dance into a teaching moment]

Now… what I just described is a good thing every once in a while. When everything inside of you gets consumed by what you are doing on the outside of you, you start to lose yourself. You forget how to be happy just because the sun is shining and the birds are singing. You forget how to do the things you enjoyed, you forget what it feels like to be inspired, smile, laugh from the heart. And when that happens, you lose sight of the beauty of life. The beauty of your life and the love that sustains it. And when you sense that you are not able to find moments of peace and freedom on the inside of you and feel guilty for straying off the path that the cries of the urgent beckon you to, that’s a good sign you need to back off and take some time for yourself… to be with yourself and to be with God. Because every moment is PRECIOUS. Every thought, every movement of your heart, every part of your being that you can turn toward God and be filled with life and joy is important because when you lose focus on who you are and the delight of God on your life, you are losing your true passion, identity, and purpose. So you need times of doing what you want to do just for the sake of doing it. For enjoyment. Simply because it’s who you are and how God created you.

But all of that to say… while this was good in finding myself coming alive and enjoying this time, it was not resting. It was only the teeny beginning of the journey into what it really means to rest. I thought that I was enjoying myself because I WAS finally able to rest. The pressures on the outside lessened and I thought I finally entered into freedom and real rest. I felt freer, but it wasn’t everything.

I would say, however, that it was the candy, flowers, a breath of fresh air, fun, giggles, wooing, singing, laughing, portion of the “Summer Love” relationship. Running hand in hand, hearts in our eyes like you see in cartoons, grinning ear to ear and having eyes for only them. I began to see the world differently. I started seeing myself again in a new light, see Jesus in a new light. It was like meeting Him for the first time. Meeting myself for the first time because I realized He liked me. So I started liking me more. It was fun and exhilarating. It felt fresh and unstoppable.

But then…

[Cue dramatic music] *dun dun dun*

… during the middle of the night…

Haha. Jk.

Let’s just say, after a while, I felt I was good. I felt that was enough “vacationing” and “resting” and that it was time to really buckle down and figure things out. Figure out my goals, my dreams, my next steps, my future, my life. That’s … a lot.

(Now this might sound like repetition from my last blog, but bare with me…)

With this very smart ambition to figure and sort out my life in a week resulted in a greatly overwhelmed and heavy heart. As you can imagine. But that wasn’t all of it. With this continued space, time, and now a freshly added teaspoon of anxiety, I was knocked completely off my feet.

The real questions, the doubts, the fears, the disappointments, shame… came to the surface. Or rather, I was kinda “tricked” into going deeper… Haha. Without my usual distractions, I started facing myself. The covers have now been pulled away, the foundations revealed, and now we can see that there was a lot of dust, dead rats and squirming bugs, faulty pillars, and a nasty odor on top of it all. (Eww… that mental picture is making me squirm tonight.) Maybe it wasn’t THAT bad, but that’s what it seemed like to me. All of a sudden I felt the most vulnerable I’ve ever been and the most exposed. It’s not that I’ve been trying to hide everything or not deal with things in the moment or neglect to spend time with God, but things happened and it was time for God to do some deep things inside of me. It was a time of transition and I needed to be realigned. He wanted to speak to me. He wanted me to come back to Him. Bare. Vulnerable. Hurting. Laughing. All of me as I was.

So now I finally figured out the reason why I truly needed to rest. It wasn’t from the outward circumstances and pressures I felt in life, it was the inward chaos and storm that needed much quieting. I had entered into the messiest phase of the journey. It was time to get reacquainted with my real thoughts and truths of my heart. And the heaviness that I put on myself all of a sudden to figure out my life put enough pressure on me to reveal what exactly I was standing on.

The truth is… I became scared. I inadvertently blamed God. Not in a way that it was all His fault… but yeah kind of. I doubted His goodness and His love for me. That’s a big deal. I started analyzing the past and every single choice I made that led me to where I was. I blamed myself  for where I was, who I was, what I was doing, what I wasn’t doing, the choices I made, and so indirectly questioned God’s guidance and hand on my life. I didn’t find Him as trustworthy as I once did. I had disappointments, false hopes, expectations, and some expectations for the wrong things. All of that was revealed. And then I felt sorry for myself. I felt I trusted God and was let down. I gave and gave of myself, to no end. To people, to God. I gave all that I could and strived to be the best I could be, to do the right thing even if it hurt, and in the end I felt everything I did was for nothing. “What was the point of me pouring myself out for You, them, or anybody?” So if God wasn’t gonna help me out, then I’d have to figure things out on my own. So that’s what I was trying to do. With tons of questions of “why?” and “how?” I was offended in my heart, but I was facing it. I tried to figure out a plan… tons of them. But my heart and mind was just full of more questions and riddles, mazes, fog, and … no answers. So I didn’t actually get anywhere. My times with God were overruled by thoughts, countless streaming thoughts of fear, doubt, questions, and I was just asking for answers… over and over. It was frustrating. It was actually very intense. I went through a lot of anxiousness. Couldn’t sleep, couldn’t enjoy things, didn’t even like worship music or anyone who talked about God. I didn’t want to hear it. It sounded all so boring and cliche, fake, gibberish, impractical, dumb, and a bunch of other things.

But eventually … I slowly started to let go …

No. It wasn’t easy. Nor was it overnight.

I kept praying…

“God I know I’m a mess. Heal me…”

And I questioned how that would happen if I didn’t even want to listen to worship music or go to church or even really read my Bible. But…

“God, I’m here…”

There is a lot that happened in this time and some that I want to still share in the next blogs, but the thing that I really emphasize in this blog is about learning how to enter into REST. A lot of the time we think that resting is taking a vacation, not thinking about issues, getting away from the mundane, daily routine and pressures, and taking a breather. Now that is a VERY good thing. HOWEVER, I really believe that a lot of people miss out on really living above the storm with peace in their hearts in the deepest places because we never really sit down, take a deep breath, learn to be okay with what’s going on inside of us, and then really dive deep into some things in our hearts… all so that God can come be what we need. We come to believe so many lies, come to so many conclusions, agree with them, and allow fear and doubt to drive the ship. But until you can take some time to sit still and allow yourself to face things, you don’t ever really allow peace to come in where you actually need it most. A.k.a you don’t actually know God as you truly can know Him in that moment. Otherwise we just distract ourselves or self-medicate. A.k.a peace is actually found through the storm, not by steering away from it. And it’s scary. But the way I see it… If you never face it, you never get the sweet taste of victory. And victory is never just for you. That’s a whole other blog.

I believe God is always wanting to reach out and reveal Himself in the deepest places, places that really matter in each person on the planet. He is the King of the Cosmos with so much to Him that we can never know or fully grasp His dimensions, facets, and awesomeness. He is a big ball of mystery, but who He is NEVER changes. He is so AWESOMELY HUGE but so close. He is not a man with a white beard, shirtless with bulging muscles holding a trident or a lightning bolt waiting on you to get it right, so that He can do His part. He is in LOVE. He gave EVERYTHING for you. And I believe that in every circumstance and situation, He is wanting to show Himself to be strong, loving, good, and kind. He is wanting to show us who He really is, if we would allow ourselves to BE, sit down in quiet, be willing to be honest and vulnerable, and listen to what He has to say. Because in the passing through it, God is actually right there in the middle of it, loving you more than you ever thought possible. And His love is what changes you forever.

In other words:
Sit. Breathe. Be silent. Cry. Get mad. Pout. Lay down. Shut up. Listen. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Phew* Maybe I should have just said that instead of typing all this out… Hopefully it all made sense. I’m doing my best to organize my thoughts. 🙂

Oh just so you know, I am back to the skipping through the fields, eating berries, giggling hand in hand, singing with the birds, and loving the sun. It’s deeper, truer, stronger and is on the road to becoming unshakeable. That’s what it’s all for in the end. 🙂

‘Til next time.
*Bow*

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Voila!!

Why, hello wordpress blog!

Hello, my non-readers because I actually haven’t written any blogs!!

So yes, this is me randomly blogging because I don’t have much else to do right now. It’s like a magic trick of sorts. One minute I’m here, and then I’m not, and then *POOF* I’m here again! Yay… *applause*

So, I actually didn’t have a topic to write about when I decided to do this. It was kind of a spontaneous thing as I was surfing the internet and I remembered, “Hey! I have a wordpress account don’t I?!” Yup. That’s how it went down. Exciting, I know.

That’s why I am here. So hi.

Okay, so…

… Umm … Awkward pause… aaaand …

(chirping crickets and croaking frogs in the background)

… pause continues … *ahem* …

OKAY! So really, I didn’t actually have anything to write about. But I think I will end up with some kind of topic by the end ‘cuz I’m awesome like that… (not really).

Alroighty then! (That was supposed to be an Aussie accent. I envy people with australian accents. I think it’s one of the coolest accents EVER to exist. I would give it a triple gold medal if there was a competition for “coolest accent ever to exist” and I was a judge.)

What made me come back to blogging? Well, I’ve had lots of free time to sit, ponder, pick my nose, attempt to write songs, stare at the wall, and anything else I could think of doing…

… and I’ve realized that as I’ve been in a time of rediscovering all the things I love doing and dream of doing, I put waaaaaay too much pressure on myself to make it awesome, and perfect, and try to meet this invisible standard that isn’t really based off of anything but comparing myself to what’s already out there and always feeling inadequate. I’m always not creative enough, not smart enough, not original enough, not cool enough in my eyes… you know how it goes. But you know what? All I can do is just be me.

AH HA! So profound I know! But whether you’d like to believe it or not, we all do this thing where we try to be someone we’re not. And I don’t mean like the obviously-being-fake ordeal, but the without-even-meaning-to-because-we-want-to-be-good-people-and-feel-like-we-really-do-awesome-stuff-that-people-really-like ordeal. I feel like it happens a lot in the world of artsy fartsy creative people… it’s part of  a desire to produce awesome works of art whatever the medium. But a lot of the time that goes hand in hand with how we see God, too. Or how we think God sees us… and how we see ourselves. There’s a standard that we either place on ourselves or a standard that we have come to believe that God wants us to meet in order for Him to be happy with us. And then we hear that God loves us exactly how we are, but then deep inside, we’re like, “Yes, maybe so, but I’M not okay with me as I am, so neither should God.” So in all actuality it just kind of comes down to not really believing that God is okay with us as we are.

I think I could go into a sermon-like rant about this whole thing, but tonight I’m just going to save you the agony of reading through it and just continue on in my wonderful spontaneous post.

As I was saying, I’ve just set up this thing in my own head about the kind of person I want to be, dreaming, and pondering, and wishing, thinking about the kind of music I want to make, or what I could write about and make it ridiculously OFF  DA HOOK, that I actually don’t ever get started. At times, I get too self conscious, other times it just drains me because I’m thinking too much about it, and then when I try to do something I’m working under this invisible slab of cement over my head that I’m like, “Wow, that’s a piece of crap.” And it really is a piece of crap because my hands are stiff and my heart’s not free, so I might as well be playing my guitar with my feet and singing through my butt. Not a pretty picture. I have too many ridiculous expectations for myself, but it’s really what I’ve formulated based off of what I think other people expect of me… So it’s what I think other people think, when what they think isn’t really what they are thinking at all, and so what I think what they think isn’t something I should be thinking about. And no amount of talking myself up, or trying not to focus on the pressure, or receiving endless amounts of encouragement and applause from family and friends will help. At some point, you just have to reach a mentality within yourself to let go of the past and the worries of the future and just be in the present moment. Finding happiness and fulfillment in the present moment is probably one of the most difficult things to do. This is a quote I heard this summer, “If you have one foot on yesterday and one foot on tomorrow, you’ll piss on today.” Haha. (Sorry if it’s a little vulgar for some of you. And for saying “piss”.) But you get the idea right? I thought it was genius when I heard it.

Anyway, all of this brings me to today, sitting in front of my computer, typing away for this very blog. This is my attempt at just doing what I want to in the moment, expressing what I want to, no rules, no boundaries, no expectations this time. And it has become successful. This itself has been a very freeing and refreshing experience.

Will I blog again? Who knows? Will I write an awesome song? Maybe. Will I go cuddle with my kittiessss and watch Korean Dramas in bed? You betcha. V^_^V (This is an asian holding up two peace signs for those of you who aren’t sure what to make of it…)

So if you’ve continued reading thus far, thank you very much for allowing me to yoink some of your time in my efforts to try and find some freedom of expression within myself. This blog was supposed to be about my journey. My journey. Journey of Vicki Hong. And I guess I somehow believed that I couldn’t do anything until I’ve “arrived” in order to impact people, or even express myself well and write something worthwhile. But I know now, more than ever, that today is as good as any other.

Here’s to living full and happy in every moment, even if it’s not how I pictured it to be.

For the future, I am wanting to try and blog more. But there are no guarantees. I might try all sorts of stuff just because. Maybe I’ll do a video blog next time… but like I said, who know?!

*POOF*

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