Tag Archives: happy

Christmas Time Ramblings by a Lovesick Dreamer

Currently sitting at home, sweats and slippers on, Christmas music playing, type typity.

I think I’m done with my summer blog series… for now. Haha. I don’t think I officially ended it or anything, but I think it ended on a good enough note. I did have a few more things I wanted to talk about, but I think it would have turned into more of a sermon blog. I’m in the mood to blog and I’m not in the mood to get all serious and preachy.

SO … I’m just gonna ramble. Because I want to. I have no plan. What comes out, is going to come out. Here it goes.

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE CHRISTMAS TIME!!

And I think it is sooo appropriate to blog this on the first day of December. I’m so cool.

There’s something about winter that makes me grow warmer on the inside. I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about. Especially when the snow comes, everything is just so white, blanketed, and beautiful. You just wanna snuggle and sit by the fire, drink hot chocolate, and listen to good music, or read a good book. It’s the perfect time. Lights everywhere. Happy music everywhere… even if some are just plain ridiculous they bring smiles. There’s joy and love in the air. I look at my family and friends a little differently… I feel warm and fuzzy, I appreciate them, I wanna just love on ‘em and I want to show them how thankful I am. I remember how blessed I am… because it’s not necessarily a lovely, warm season for everybody.

Unfortunately, there is only one downside to winter and the Christmas season. It’s that it makes me 20 times more of a goner in my hopeless romanticitis. Haha. (I just made that up… I made it sound like a disease! Didja get it?!) So yup. I admit it. I am a hopeless romantic sometimes. And since winter to me is such a romantic time of year, I just ooze… and I don’t think it’s just me. Recently, every conversation has been about finding someone and being in a relationship, both with friends and family. I don’t know if this is something that has happened every year, but I am definitely noticing it this year. Not that there is much I can do about it.

Haha… but I’m just kidding. Not about being a hopeless romantic this time of year, but about it being unfortunate. While I do become all googly-eyed, I don’t feel like a loser. I’m happy. And I am SO thankful. Deep, deep, thankfulness has just welled up in my heart this week. I am so thankful for my life. Thank for my friends. Thankful that my roommate is my friend. Thankful for my family. Thankful that I get to work a job that is about helping the less fortunate. Thankful that I get to bring smiles to people who have every reason to be angry and upset and have no hope. Thankful that my health is well and my heart that is full. Thankful that I can do what I love without limit, even if it’s just in my room for now. It’s pure and raw. Thankful that I have the luxury to dream… Dream about my future, my life. That it’s not just about how I’ll survive tomorrow or if I’ll eat. Thankful that I can feel really good about dreaming of sharing my heart and life with someone whom I will love and share my life with because I’ve been fighting to keep what the world so easily sees as worthless and throws away. I have good dreams, and much goodness to look forward to. So I am not worried.

This is a good time for a transition.

I’m not gonna lie, I have been worrisome…. About my future, my destiny, my dreams. My dreams have felt so HUGE to me the past couple months. SO HUGE. Like. IMPOSSIBLE. I’ve felt that way before, but lately, I’m like… absolutely at a loss. Haha. In reality they’ve always been impossible. But they just seem even bigger to me now because I am realizing I have have NO control and strength, talent, knowledge, resources, to make ANYTHING happen whatsoever. And sometimes I don’t even know exactly what it is I want. I think I know and I think I’m ready for whatever I picture, but then I feel in my heart, I don’t even know what it is I’m asking for. I just think I know. We are so limited. We don’t even know fully what we’re capable of. We think our biggest dreams are going to be our greatest achievement. And THAT in our eyes is HUGE and like the greatest thing ever. We don’t know fully who we are, what we’re capable of, what we’re REALLY destined for. I think God gives us dreams that kind of urge us on and point us in the right direction, but we have NO idea really what He has in store for us. I think that’s why it says in the Bible that He exceeds and goes above and beyond all we ask or imagine. There is so much more for us than what we are even able to dream up. And it’s ALL impossible.

It’s been nice to be reminded that it’s a journey. If you don’t embrace and enjoy the journey, you’re missing out on the beauty of your life in the moment! God has a lot for the future, but He has lot for us now, too. He exceeds everything we could ever dream for ourselves and it’ll be awesome, but that also means the way and the road that gets us there will be just as unexpected and full of adventure that we won’t always be able to make sense of.

Trust. Yup. Love. Yup.

We gotto remember that He loves us. That He is good. And trust that He has a plan for us. A good plan. That even today is a part of that plan. Even if it doesn’t seem good to you.

We just give ourselves waaaaayyyyy too much credit for our lives. We are just not that awesome.

So yeah. Even though I dream and it seems impossible, it isn’t mine so I don’t worry. I trust God is doing His thing. And all I have to do is remain faithful. I do still try to figure things out though, and I need direction, but I know He will guide me and speak when it’s time.

We are always asking for more faith, love, peace, patience, etc… but I am convinced that if we really knew the process of working that into us, we wouldn’t pray for it. Thank God for His grace.

Well, I don’t know if there’s anything more I want to say… Just for the future, I think I want to post more frequently with just random thoughts and expressions, more casual and raw, in the moment type of blogs.

To wrap it up:

  • Chocolate chip cookies sound really good right now.
  • I love it when Oliver wakes up from a nap and wants to sit in my lap while I’m on my laptop. He is so clumsy. He usually ends up either crashing into my desk, or slipping off of it and onto the floor. Yup. That happened like a second ago.
  • A dream was re-awakened tonight: Learning how to be a musher and be a dog-sledder. And living in a warm, cozy cabin for a little while. Alaska it is.
  • I had a sudden urge to jump off a plane today over the ocean with islands in view. No, I’m not insane. I just wanna skydive!! I’ve always wanted to. Just today, I would have done it like 5 times.
  • I REALLY need some shoes. Some new shoes and boots. Please. Somebody. A gift card to a Vans store would suffice!! And maybe one to Target? 😛
  • I feel like I could write a song to anything right now. I hear melodies and words in my head very frequently. They aren’t necessarily all good, but there’s definitely something happening to me. That’s encouraging. I’m not even sure if I even did anything to make it happen. It just started one day. It just showed me that even creating an art isn’t really  something we do on our own… or because we’re awesome.

So speaking of songs. I put up some originals on YouTube. CLICKITY CLICK.

Happy Christmas Tiiime!

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Loved in Sun Rays and Meows

Ollo! This is blog #3 of a very prolonged series. 😀

I know I haven’t written in a while, but I’m back for yet another round. I’m hoping not to make this one too long. It’s already November and I haven’t even finished my story about my summer. Haha… -_-V

I left off talking about stopping and being still, facing yourself, facing some hard things, and finally being able to find peace. And that the things that you face in your heart are the very places that God is speaking and present to reveal Himself… only to be even closer than you imagined possible.

Today, I think I just want to make it very to the point. I want to talk about a truth that was the major heart changer for me this summer. Something that just really hit me deeper. This is where my Summer Love touches REAL love and something of substance, something that can withstand time, weather, any circumstance of life, rather than it just being fleeting emotions, and brief infatuation.

It basically has to do with who God is. Here it is: 

Understanding that God loves me right where I am, as I am.

I think there are times in our lives when we get to a point where we examine what we’ve done, how much we’ve done, gain a sense of accomplishment, or lack thereof, gauge what it means to be in the present, and how to get to the future we desire. We think we have it all figured out. We think we can GET it all figured out. That’s where I was. That’s what I started doing. Reflecting isn’t always bad, but I was I starting to feel crappy about myself because I was measuring the worth of my present by looking at the past, and wondering how to get from here to where I felt I REALLY needed to be. And I only felt I needed to be there so that I could feel some sense of worth and accomplishment with all that has happened in my life. I felt it wasn’t very much. My dreams felt worthless. So I strived for a bit. Panicked. Got discouraged. Lost focus. Did things for the wrong reasons. Etc.

Very often we hear sermons, hear stories and testimonies… we see people doing spectacular things. We get encouraged to do something wonderful for God, to go after your dreams, to make a difference in the world. And while those are very good things, I needed a very different message. I needed to hear that God loved me regardless of whether or not I was doing anything awesome.

God loves you…

Eh.

You can hear that a thousand times and still have it mean not a single thing to you. And that’s what happened. I felt that way. I’ve heard it. Blah Blah.

But my heart cried out.

I didn’t want to hear it from someone else. I wanted to hear HIM say it to me.  “I love you, Vicki.”

Oh, how I need to hear that a millions times a day.

One day, as I was going through my usual day deep in my thoughts and feeling discouraged and worthless, my roommate and I decided to meet for lunch. As we were eating and conversing, I started to complain about some things and question things and expressed how I felt about my life and things that have happened and how I felt about my future. It was the talk of a hopeless person. After listening quite intently, and me feeling a little agitated, conversation died down and she pulled out her iPad. She had an app called procreate (a painting and sketching app) on it and she began to doodle. I watched a picture come to life. A real simple picture.

It turned out to be something like this. Real simple. But I wept.

I didn’t ball my eyes out in the middle of the restaurant or anything, but my tears came from a deep place. It was like a spring welling up out of a dry place because of rain. It was healing and soothing. The truth hit me. I didn’t realize that I had been striving and comparing myself to the lives of other people, or even to my own standards and expectations of where I felt I needed to be on my journey. Even if I did realize it at points, I didn’t know how to stop it. I had been feeling like a failure. And felt like I was continuing to fail because my attempts at doing something or figuring something out wasn’t getting me anywhere. But Leann gave me a simple visual representation of myself as I had been in recent days, and made me realize that there is nothing ugly or shameful about my life. Every moment of my life is beautiful because He gave it to me… including today.

Now that was huge! Radical! Mind-blowing!

We usually have a lot of feelings and thoughts about our past, but what I was wrestling with the now. I felt like I was wasting the present. I felt I needed to be doing something. Not sure what. Just doing something to get somewhere. I kinda felt as if I had missed the mark and was STILL missing it. Somehow in my mind, nothing but hitting the mark gave value to my life and actions. That’s called… performance. Which is not really a loving relationship.

So God was speaking to my heart, “I really love you, here… like this, too.”

Through a simple stick figure drawing He decided to point out what I considered to be the least significant and worthless thing that I was doing with my time and was telling me that He loved me there. A LOT. And what I was doing at the time was… relaxing at home and playing/snuggling with my cats. It meant a lot because I was REALLY enjoying the simple things in life. My cats. Music. The sun. Books. Smiles.

So I guess I will wrap it up now.

There’s an ebb and flow to everything we do in life. We need to learn to trust God in all times and seasons. One isn’t greater than the other, one isn’t more meaningful than the other, one doesn’t give more worth to your life and self than the other. He won’t love us more in one or the other. He never measures to the standard that the world measures, and He never measures to even OUR standard.

I decided a few things from that.

1. I will not change what I know about Him and who I’ve know Him to be, based on what my life looks like at the time.

2. I will not change my heart toward Him based on my fluctuating feelings about myself and shifting perspectives of my life.

3. I will not let any other voice tell me who I am and what I am to do or why I did or should do something.

He loves me. Endlessly. Limitlessly. It will never change.

I want to know this more. I want to live from that place more. So that whether I am hanging out with the homeless, worshipping on my face, eating a sandwich, or scooping out poop out of my cats’ litter box, I can be overtaken by His presence and love, knowing He doesn’t love me more or less than any other moment. Every moment of my life was worth it for Jesus to come and die for me. My value and worth comes from the fact that a great price was paid for me to have breath in my lungs and a fire in my heart, so that I may enter into His presence every moment of my life.

Oh what a glorious kind of love.

Today, He calls you LOVED.
Today, He gives you peace.
Today, He says your life is beautiful.

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